By Oar and Fire
by Cymrian Valdemar
Summary: A series of oneshots centering around Hiei and Botan. Whether the stories are connected or not is left up to the reader. [used to be Fight or Flight]
1. Fight or Flight

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho.

Warnings: Slight Hiei/Botan (one-sided)

Other: Short short

_Fight or Flight  
(The Ferrygirl's Plight)_

The girl is flying swiftly on her oar, trying to outrun, er, outfly, her pursuers. Her blue hair is streaming out behind her, free of the hair band that had contained it earlier that day. Her pink eyes are set on her final destination: the portal to Spirit World. Only the widened state of those pink eyes and the slightly nervous twitches she shows every so often betray her fear. As she continues flying, she's reminded of a conversation she had had with Kurama, not that long ago.

_"Humans have very few instincts left. They've been 'civilized.' They simply don't require those instincts anymore. But one of the few they have left is called 'fight or flight.' " _

"Fight or flight?" Botan had asked. She hadn't heard of this before.

"Yes. In a panic-situation, humans will either fight back, or they will run away. They won't hold still, at least not at first. Exceptions, like humans abused since childhood, do occur, but the vast majority will respond to a panic-situation using the 'fight or flight' mechanism."

"Oh. So, Yusuke and Kuwabara..."

"Are fighters."

"What do you think I am?"

"You're a smart girl, but you're not a fighter. I'd say you'd probably take flight. There's nothing wrong with that, you know. There's a saying, 'a man who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day.' You have to stay alive, and we all understand that. Trust me, none of us our going to think less of you if you run away."

"Hiei will." Botan had stated bitterly; the fire demon always thought less of her! He never paid any attention to her, and when he did, it was only to make some scathing remark!

Kurama had given her that look_, the raised eyebrow and slight half-smile that says 'I know why you said that.' Botan had fidgeted and made up an excuse to leave shortly after that._

On her oar, Botan shifts ever-so-slightly, her face taking on a light pink tinge.

And then, realizing that she's running away, she turns around sharply, surprising her pursuers.

The three green-skinned demons scramble to avoid headlong collision with the now-still ferrygirl, while she eyes them, considering summoning a baseball bat to hit them with.

They land on the branches of nearby trees and snarl at her, showing ugly, rotten teeth, but pointy. Making up her mind, she summons a bat and hurls herself at the nearest one, hitting him straight on the head and probably doing permanent damage. He falls down onto the ground below, and Botan turns to the other two, only to find them leaping at her.

Giving an "eep!" of surprise, she urges her oar to the side, causing the demons to hit each other. They pull themselves up and jump at her again, and again she dodges, managing to hit one demon in the arm.

He scowls at her and jumps again, just barely missing the oar. Breathing a sigh of relief, Botan flies higher, watching the two conscious demons and their knocked-out ally carefully.

Hesitantly, she lowers her oar a bit, and, like feral, starving dogs, the two demons leap at her. Quickly, she flies up again, and tries to hit one of the demons on the way. She misses, and her balance is destroyed.

She falls from the sky with a startled gasp, and the demons reach out to grab her.

Years of practice on her oar, including practice on landings, allow her to skillfully evade their attempts and land on her feet. Keeping a hold on her bat, she brings it up to defend herself.

_Fight or flight, Botan. Fight or flight._

A/N - This is my first oneshot, and concrit is always welcome. Oh, and the title and subtitle are meant to rhyme.


	2. Understanding

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho.

Warnings: Slight Hiei/Botan.

Other: Doubledrabble (not including title and notes) (could be considered vignette)

_Understanding_

Years ago, they had made an agreement. That was back when they still saw each other, when they worked together, when things were tense and he was likely to snap at her.

Now, watching the clouds drift lazily by, he couldn't quite suppress the thought that the sky would be brightened by a swerving, dangerously-fast oar darting through those lethargic wisps of water vapor.

He remembered her flying; the others may have snorted derisively at her antics or criticized her skills, but Hiei knew that when one goes that fast, skill is all that's keeping them alive. He also knew that the others understood this, though he never really understood why they ignored it.

The years had gone past, and time had flown as swiftly as the energetic ferrygirl. Looking back, he supposed he had had an understanding with her, an understanding that had given rise to their agreement. It was a private treaty between them, and one that they honored every day without fail.

Their understanding didn't extend to the others, for which he was grateful. Especially at times like these, when the sky was suddenly brightened, and he couldn't quite suppress the smirk that crept onto his face.


	3. Stars

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho

Warning: Slight Hiei/ Botan

Other: Drabble (not including title and notes)

_Stars_

Whenever a falling star was reported, Botan made sure that she had some reason to be in the area. Nothing was more beautiful than watching the display, especially at night.

This one was special though. It was the only time she had seen one during a snowstorm, and while she was half-frozen to her oar, the spectacular light show was worth it. Afterwards, she could fly back and settle down in front of a fire.

Strangely, in a moment that had nothing to do with him, she couldn't get the image of a certain fire demon out of her head.


	4. Night

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho

Warnings: Everything in here is H/B

Other: Flashfic; very little fluff compared to the others

_Night_

There were nights when he just couldn't sleep. If he had been human, he would be called a chronic insomniac. As a demon, he was called smart. After all, half the deaths in Demon World occurred when the victim was sleeping.

When it was one of those nights, he found that sitting or standing on a tree and looking up at the sky was inordinately calming. The gentle swaying of the leaves in a late-night breeze, the nearly-transparent clouds drifting through the dark sky, the moon glancing at him through branches... None of it was enough to send him back to sleep, but it was soothing.

Then he met his nightly terror, the one person who he knew could not, would not, die, the single being in three worlds that shattered his perspective so completely and then tried to help him pick up the pieces. He sought the silent solace of the swaying leaves and soothing sky, but no longer was it a safe haven.

Night was his time. In lieu of parents, shadows were his father and isolation his mother. He had thought that he would never need to forsake them...

But then _she_ came, and infected his refuge with the smell of peonies and his dreams with color, and he never took night for granted again.


	5. Knight

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho

Warnings: As stated before, H/B

Other: Flashfic; again, not a lot of fluff; more like Botan's thoughts on the gang. She just kinda centers on Hiei, for no particular reason (wink wink nudge nudge)

_Knight_

She couldn't remember much of her life as a human. She remembered lots of flowers, and she remembered many dolls. Thankfully, she couldn't remember her death.

Of all the dolls she could recall, the only one that held her interest was a rather beaten-up one. He had long blond hair and two blue beads for eyes, the perfect white knight. But that was just the thing— she never put him in white armor.

She could faintly recall making armor for him, and while the craftsmanship was obviously poor, she hadn't cared. She had put him in every set of armor she made, and giggled as she enacted adventures with him.

When she met Yusuke, she remembered the knight in red armor. Red, the color of blood, the color that she associated with death, but also with life. Red, like a rose.

Kurama, she reasoned, was sure to be green. Perhaps silver, but probably green. She was wrong on both counts. For him, the knight was decked out in blue, the color of water. When she thought of it, she supposed it made sense; Kurama was slippery and always able to escape through the cracks, so of course his would be blue. Blue, like the sky.

Kuwabara was the Green Knight. He held everyone together with his vines, reaching towards Kurama the sky and nurturing Yusuke the rose. He was the color of nature, wild but beautiful, tempered but strong. Green, like spring leaves.

If there was anyone who she would put in black, it would be Hiei. He was darkness, he was hate, he was vengeance, he was fury and anger and scorn, he was the thing that went bump in the night and slaughtered people in their sleep.

But he was loyalty, and he was honor. He was a silent guardian, and if he killed someone in their sleep, they most likely deserved it. He was the kind of guy who would kill a thousand demons for his sister and apologize for the stench. He was the one who watched them all while they slept, making sure that the other things that went bump in the night knew not to so much as twitch near his companions.

And while he slept, she watched him, and knew that his armor was grey. Grey, like twilight's shadows.


	6. Touching

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho

Warning: H/B

Other: Doubledrabble and a half (not counting title or notes); more fluff than the previous two one-shots; as for the last line, I leave it up to you guys what that means.

_Touching_

There were many kinds of touches. There were friendly pats on the shoulder, consoling back rubs, loving nuzzles, and embarrassing brushes.

Hiei was not a person who enjoyed being touched. It wasn't the contact that bothered him, it was the emotions attached. He had spent most of his life forsaking his feelings, trying to become ice itself, and he didn't want a reminder of the futility of such a goal.

Usually, he flinched. He had even gone so far as to cringe once. Both times the touches had connected, and both times his failure was shoved in his face. He tried not to let it anger him, and knew that he failed again. As much as he tried to be ice, he knew that he was destined to be fire, and fire was a _very_ emotional element.

Recently, he had accepted that. He hadn't given up— Hiei would _never_ admit defeat— he was just...trying something new. That was what the others wanted, right? Not that he cared what they wanted. It wasn't like he _cared_ about _them_. Hiei, sole master of the Black Dragon, would never sink that low.

No, he simply accepted the touches. Grudgingly, grumpily, sullenly, he let his walls fall and gave feelings a chance. He gave _touches_ a single chance, one shot to impress him.

He should be grateful, then, that she had jumped at the chance. After that, he found that touching could be _so_ much more than just a burden to be tolerated.


	7. Dance

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho

Warning: Enough H/B to get in, but just barely

Other: Doubledrabble; I'm experimenting with this one. Tell me what you think, 'kay?

_Dance_

She didn't like to dance, not with strangers.

"May I claim this dance?"

But she hated to tell them no.

"Oh. Perhaps later?"

She didn't like leading them on, but whatever got rid of them.

"Thank you. Don't worry, I'll be sure to come back."

Even her friends couldn't make this evening fun.

"Hey, Botan! This ball is a blast, huh? Well, I gotta go now! See ya later!"

If only the boys were here...

"_Sorry Botan, but I have a date with Keiko that night. Maybe Kuwabara's free?"_

Yusuke would've sat next to her, telling jokes and making the night fun.

"_Uh, I'm really sorry, but Sis and I are touring some campuses. But Kurama..."_

Kuwabara would've started up a conversation, and they could've talked all night long.

"_I wish I could. But Mother and I are visiting my stepfamily. Perhaps Hiei?"_

Kurama was an excellent dancer. They could have shown everyone a thing or too.

"Botan, I apologize, but we've severed contact with Demon World."

Hiei, at least, would have suffered with her.

"What are _you_ doing _here_ by yourself?"

He was always so irritable around her.

"This is boring. Follow me."

And sometimes he surprised her.


	8. Someday

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho

Warning: Same as usual

Other: Drabble and a half (150 words) (not counting title and notes); again, weird format, but this one is different. Oh, and I was listening to "Someday" by Nickelback when I came up with this, but that has absolutely nothing at all to do with this oneshot. ;)

_Someday_

_Someday...one of the saddest words in any language..._

It is, isn't it?

"Someday, I'll be back."

A small promise, a little white lie to keep everyone off his back.

_But there's nothing white about me..._

Except for her.

"Someday, I'll tell her."

Such an easy promise to break.

_I should've kept it..._

If he had, would things be different?

"Someday, this will all be resolved."

Ten seconds before the sun explodes.

_Someday, someday...is someday better than never?_

He can't be sure, but at least never's more honest.

"Someday, someone will understand."

He hopes that it's her.

_But I can't tell her; she has to find out on her own._

On her own, like he lives his life.

"Someday, everything will be alright."

The day he dies, perhaps...

_Maybe then, she'll understand...maybe then, someone will _accept_ me..._

He wishes that he could see it.

"She'll love me. Someday."

_Never's more honest._


	9. Name Game

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho

Warning: Usual; mentions of un-cleanliness

Other: Well, this one _is_ happier. Another drabble and a half (not counting title and notes).

_Name Game_

She hadn't needed to bathe when she was a spirit. After all, with no corporeal form, there were no glands to produce any kind of stink. Most new ferrygirls reveled in their individual scents, which corresponded to their names.

In the hallways, there was a game. Whenever an unfamiliar ferrygirl passed by, all the ogres and other ferrygirls would try to guess her name. Botan had even seen the gang play, once.

Seeing them participating, she decided to test them. She disguised herself and, smirking, walked past the gang, knowing very well that her human body was lessening her specific aroma.

She paused when they didn't shout something out. That wasn't uncommon; she was challenging them.

Several minutes went by, and still no answer. She frowned when she heard Yusuke whisper a question to Kurama.

Hiei snorted at all of them, letting out an annoyed sigh. "That's Botan, you idiots."


	10. Yin's Eye

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho

Warning: (yawns) Same old, same old

Other: Half-drabble (50 words); a little contemplation fic.

_Yin's Eye_

He wandered the corridors, a living shadow.

_Shadow of what? I'm nobodies' shadow._

He was Yin, then. Darkness.

_Yukina's my Yang, my other half, the light too pure for me._

But every Yin has an eye...

_An eye of light._

But his Yin's eye wasn't white.

_Her eyes are pink._


	11. Addiction

Diclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho

Warning: H/B

Other: Doubledrabble (200 words); you know those happy feelings? They kinda left the building. We've hit the "dark" side, folks.

_Addiction_

She had picked up souls of drug-addicts, of alcoholics, of people whose lives were so consumed by the need for something that they were pitifully pale, barely spirits at all, still moaning and wanting the thing that had become their life.

She had never paused to consider what would happen if she became addicted to something.

It started out like any other addiction; a first taste and then curiosity. She had seen him, and there she went.

She didn't even _like_ being addicted to him, which was the confusing part. He was so interesting...so very fascinating...and so very not interested. He couldn't have made it more obvious, except maybe by outright rejecting her. Then again, she'd never given him the chance to.

It was uncomfortable, being addicted to her coworker. She couldn't look at him too much, couldn't seem to worry too much, couldn't go after him whenever he walked away from her. It wasn't fun, not at all.

And then came the other side of addiction. The daydreams. She almost hated them, but not quite. They were too...appealing.

She was addicted to him, and she knew it. But she wasn't quite sure...

She wasn't sure if it was love.


	12. Thief

Diclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho

Warning: H/B (assumed)

Other: Drabble (100 words, and my first _true_ Hiei-drabble! The last one was a Botan-drabble, 'member?); this one is a lot more indirect than some of my othersand could apply to any number of people. However, if it did apply to one of those people, it wouldn't be here. ;) Also, this is the last one I had pre-written. Unfortunately, RL has caught up to me and I won't be able to update for a while. T.T You can start yelling at meon the 18th (I ought to have another one written by then...)

_Thief_

He was a great thief. Not as renowned as Kurama, perhaps, but he was still great. He could steal from most of Demon World, and get away with it too. He could steal from all of Human World, but as soon as something went missing, Koenma would look at him. Damn nosy Prince, always butting into his personal business.

So how was it that he, a thief to be reckoned with, had had something so valuable stolen from him? It should have been impossible for _anyone_ to steal from him.

Perhaps skill doesn't count when the thief steals your heart.


	13. Friday the Thirteenth

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho

Warning: H/B and use of the number thirteen, so triskaidekaphobes beware.

Other: Doubledrabble and a half (250 words, not counting title or notes); I actually had another one written, until I realized that this is chapter thirteen. Having been born on the "unlucky day," I definitely couldn't pass this chance up.

_Friday the Thirteenth_

She didn't know why humans were so afraid of the number thirteen. It was a fear that she either never had or had lost when she became a ferrygirl. She was similarly baffled by fear for nine and four.

She watched as Yusuke, usually a stoic about superstitions, fidgeted nervously. Evidently he had imported triskaidekaphobia, because it was _not_ inherently Japanese. In fact, Kuwabara and Kurama were laughing at his obvious discomfort. Discreetly, of course.

The only one who didn't bother to hide his amusement was Hiei. Every time Yusuke turned to glare at him, the fire demon merely raised an eyebrow and mouthed the number, causing the detective to turn red and look away quickly.

"As entertaining as this is," Hiei drawled, earning himself another glare and everyone's attention, "don't we have a mission to go on?"

Yusuke twitched. "But...it's unlucky..." His argument barely registered on Hiei's radar. The spiky-haired demon was ignoring Yusuke's protests quite obviously, much to the amusement of the others.

"Hey, Hiei, why aren't _you_ afraid of Friday the thirteenth?" Yusuke tried a different approach; at least he knew when he couldn't win an argument.

Hiei snorted. "It's just a stupid human phobia. There's no basis for it."

Kurama nodded silent agreement, so Yusuke turned to Botan. "What about you?"

She shrugged. "I guess I got over it." She laughed slightly. "Besides, my official 'birth-day' is on a Friday the thirteenth."

Yusuke gaped at her, but Hiei shared her knowing smirk. He knew. 'I lied.'

A/N- In case any of you are glaring, no, Botan was _not_ born, killed, or reborn (as a ferrygirl) on Friday the thirteenth. She just lied; the reason is implied.


	14. Blood

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho.

Warning: H/B, reference to blood

Other: Drabble (100 words)

_Blood_

He had despised humans. Useless creatures, destroying themselves and their world. Worthless, selfish, ignorant pieces of filth.

He couldn't quite remember when he changed his mind.

It might have something to do with Yukina or Botan. The two had such a love for life...it made him feel dirty, standing around them. As if he was soaked in blood, and they could see every drop.

They were so pure...so very innocent. Like snow before it hit the ground. Unlike ice, cold and cruel, they were compassionate, kind.

He wouldn't taint them. He wouldn't paint their white snow red with his blood.


	15. Wish

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho

Warning: H/B (again, assumed. I wonder, how many are like this? Ugh, I guess I'm just better with the abstract stuff...)

Other: Drabble and a half (150 words, not counting title or notes).

_Wish_

She gazed into the fountain, trailing fingers over the water's surface. The water rippled, and her image wavered. Smiling softly, she gently dropped a coin into the cool depths. The sun shone brightly in the cloudless sky and couples littered the nearby park. All around her, people were smiling, laughing, happy.

As she stood up from her seat on the fountain's edge, she waved away a whiff of mixed perfumes and colognes, knowing that she would have to take a long bath later to wash away the lingering scent. Walking away, she heard a child begging its mother for money to toss into the fountain.

She grinned slightly, never ceasing to be amazed by the simple joy that people brought to her. One person in particular made her the happiest, though she would never say so aloud.

Inwardly, she knew that her wish wouldn't come true. She made it anyway.


	16. Better

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho

Warning: H/B if you squint and take a great leap of faith

Other: Drabble (100 words, not counting title and notes); okay, I was kinda going for a Hiei-oneshot that was still somewhat cute. So, yeah, here it is. You'll like the next one, though, I promise! ;)

_Better_

He watched schoolboys sprint laps around fields, knowing that he could do it better.

He saw children learning martial arts, knowing that he could do it better.

He observed arsonists set buildings on fire, knowing that he could do it better.

He viewed thieves breaking into houses, knowing that he could do it better.

He studied young couples out on dates, knowing that he would never do it better.

He analyzed every aspect of those outings, from the pick-up to the goodnight kiss, with hopeless interest, his mind formulating plans that would never be carried out.

Because he wasn't better.


	17. Kiss

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho

Warning: H/B

Other: I'm _so sorry_about how late this is. I'm updating again in a few minutes, with today's oneshot. XX (Oh, and it's a doubledrabble and half-- that's 250 words.)

_Kiss_

She wished that she could find that one person, the one who would sparkle in her eyes, the one to sweep her off her feet and give her the world. The one who would make her swoon and sigh like a young schoolgirl.

She never found that person. She supposed that the reason behind it was that there really was no person who could be all that.

Still, she knew of a close second. Unfortunately, said person was completely off-limits. Still, she couldn't help but glare in envy whenever Yusuke or Kuwabara acted like a couple with their girls. Life was just so unfair.

After a particularly bad night, when both boys had kissed Keiko and Yukina (respectively and separately) multiple times, Botan left the room in disgust. Walking out, she wandered the corridors, not really paying attention to where she was going.

It was a typical scenario for any anime: she knocked into somebody, they both toppled, accidental kiss and maybe some unintentional groping, blushes, and then quick separation. However, she wasn't expecting to run into anybody at that point, nor was she expecting to knock them over and end up on top of them. She _really_ hadn't expected their lips to meet, or for her hand to wind up in his hair. She certainly hadn't expected it to be so soft—but that was beside the point.

The point was, it was _completely_ unexpected.

That didn't mean that they pulled away immediately. When they did, Hiei was smirking.


	18. What You Want

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho

Warning: H/B

Other: Drabble and a half (150 words); no mention of the last oneshot-- this is a series of 'em, not a story. ;) I have plans, you see...

_What You Want_

Kurama had told him once that human children were asked what they wanted to be when they grew up. Hiei retorted that demon children often didn't have a choice. They were given three choices, all equally unappealing: servant, thief, or the dumb thug who beat other dumb thugs' brains out for a few coins. Of course, smart thieves were generally good fighters, but they weren't thugs.

Kurama had also told him that when children cried, they were usually asked what they wanted. Hiei noted that no demon was asked what they wanted, except those powerful enough to be ranked Lord. Otherwise, they just took it.

Hiei was a thief, not because he wanted to be, but because he _could_ be.

Hiei wanted a girl, not because of her power, but because he _could_. She was safe, pretty, and out of his league.

He didn't just take her, though. He couldn't.


	19. Everything to Lose

Disclaimer: I don't own yu Yu Hakusho, nor do I own the definiton below. That came from Encarta, via Microsoft Word.

Warning: H/B and _minor_ spoilers for the beginning of the Three Kings arc

Other: Short story (1000 words); this is a kinda-sorta sequel to a bunch of the previous oneshots, but it takes place several months after _Kiss_. This is Botan's PoV on the whole thing; you'll get Hiei's view later. ;)

_Everything to Lose_

Confession: **open acknowledgement of feelings**; a profession of _emotions_ or beliefs such as love, loyalty, or _faith_

* * *

She couldn't do it. No way, never, nuh-uh. 

She bit her bottom lip, staring at the blank page.

* * *

_Does it count if I rip it up and throw it away afterwards?

* * *

_

She could start it any way she wanted. There were only two choices, though.

She chickened out.

* * *

_I fought off three scary demons with no backup whatsoever, but I can't **write** a simple note?

* * *

_

"Dear Diary," she paused, scratched above her eyebrow with the eraser of her pencil, and continued on.

"I'm doing this because I have to get it out. I can't tell someone— they'd just laugh at me. So, I'm writing it here."

* * *

_Words strung together with an intent behind them; a **hidden **agenda. Words written out on **unfeeling** paper that can't judge me.

* * *

_

"I kinda wish that he would read it, but I don't. I guess that's weird. Keiko says that it's natural, but I don't think so. See, if I were in _love_ with him..."

* * *

_Pretty word, pretty sound, but no meaning, no **worth**. Nothing but thin air, like what I fly through, but **not**. Somehow, it's less, but I know that it should be more.

* * *

_

"...then that would be understandable. But I'm not. I think. Maybe. Probably. Most likely. Definitely! Yeah, I'm not in love with him. I'm just...addicted to him. Like, he's a drug or something; I'm happier when he's around. But that's not love, right? Love is when..."

* * *

_Empty. Love is when there's **nothing** left and you're still trying to give more. Love is bailing water out of a sinking ship, only for some strange reason you feel **good** about doing it. That's what Love is.

* * *

_

"...you see someone and suddenly they're spotlighted and there's a chorus in the background and suddenly you _know_ that they're the One. That's what Love is, right?"

* * *

_Seems kinda silly if you ask **me**. But then again, nobody asks me. After all, **why** should they?

* * *

_

"So, no, I'm not in love with him. I'm just addicted. I mean, it's not like we've been on a...date..." Botan wrote slowly as she spoke, her fingers freezing on the last word.

* * *

_It was just a dance. I doubt he still **remembers** it, even. Not that I'll ever forget. But just because I won't **move on** doesn't mean that he can't.

* * *

_

"But that wasn't really a date. It was just a dance. Besides, we didn't even dance, we just hung out on a balcony and talked. I think."

* * *

_How much did I drink that night? Not **much**, I don't think. If something had happened, I would know, **right?** Right?_

* * *

"That wasn't really a date. And now he's not a part of the team, and I see him less and less. He hardly visits anymore! Maybe I'm suffering from withdrawal. If so, I hope he kills someone soon so that I can visit him." A short pause, and then a horrified gasp.

* * *

_Did I just write that? That's **awful**. How could I? I don't wish for that! I don't **want** people to die just so that I can see him.

* * *

_

She scratched that part out. "I'm acting weird, I'll bet I _am_ suffering from withdrawal. I wonder I that's possible? I'd ask Koenma, except that he's been acting kinda funny too. He's getting these weird looks lately. It's unnerving."

* * *

_Jealousy. **Hopelessness**. His face is reflecting my heart, only he doesn't know it. Poor Koenma; hopefully Ayame will take **care** of him.

* * *

_

"Before he left, Hiei was acting odd too. He was agreeing with me and stuff like that. It was...nice. But Hiei's not nice, so it was weird. Then again, _everything_ about Hiei is weird."

* * *

_His hair sticks **straight** up, and his eyes are ruby red. He's got a third eye, too, and a black dragon. He's a **hybrid** and a **demon** and he's one of the best fighters I've ever seen. He cares about his sister and his wings are grey. Hiei is a walking contradiction. And he's a **good kisser** too.

* * *

_

"I wish I could understand him. Maybe someday we'll reach an agreement, and then I won't suffer from withdrawal. That'll be nice; I can't wait for that to happen. Until then, I guess I'll just have to cope.

"Oh, and today Koenma said that Kurama was seen in the Demon World. Didn't he have some kind of plan to go there? I know that Yusuke and Hiei did. I hope that all of them are safe and in one piece."

* * *

_Hope. What a wonderful, awful little thing. **Promises** with one hand and keeps walking a step away with one foot. I wish that I knew what's going on, but I **don't**.

* * *

_

Glancing at the clock, she decided to end the entry. "I think that this is enough for one page. I just wish that I had the guts to say it all out loud, where someone could hear me.

"Signed, Botan."

* * *

She sat in the old warehouse, one that had been abandoned for several months now. In front of her was a spiral notebook. The front cover boasted a stylized fire symbol, with an oar cutting through it like an arrow through a heart. The fire was gold and the oar was white, while the background was a deep forest green. Truly it was a beautiful piece of art. 

In her hand was a lighter; she coaxed a tiny flame out of it, then turned back to the book. Flipping it open, she proceeded to rip out the first few sheets, the ones written on.

Holding the first in front of her, she brought the flame to it and watched as the orange flicker turned the white sheet black. When it was no more than ash, she blew it out of her hand and picked up the next sheet.

_

* * *

I can't keep it. Right now, I have everything to lose. _

_It's not worth it. Not yet._

_Because I'm still not sure._


	20. Aftermath

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho

Warning: Blood and mentions of violence, as well as the customary hints of H/B

Other: Flashfic; the long-awaited Hiei version! Sorry this took so long; I was...distracted, mostly by homework.

_Aftermath_

They called it training. They sent demons down here, into this cavern— he had lost track a while ago, and hadn't bothered to remember what he had been at— and he killed them. Every. Single. One.

If they had sent in any more at one time, he might have drowned in a sea of blood.

Instead, he just watched as each demon spilled its red essence out, and in each puddle he saw his eyes reflected back at him. But when he stopped to stare at them, they became Yukina's eyes, smiling up at him as she told him to find her brother. And when he stared a bit longer at his sister's eyes, they became Botan's eyes, looking down at him after their lips had met in that one confusing, breathless, too-short and too-long instant.

He was sure that he should have felt something. Something like a moment when his entire body relaxed or maybe his heart was supposed to speed up. Nothing happened. But it felt nice, the lack of reaction. It was...perfect.

His entire life was about reacting. He reacted to his abandonment: he struck out, became a thief and a fighter. He reacted to his friends and to new situations and to his enemies. But he didn't react to Botan. She was there; she was always there; she would always be there for all of them. It would be _wrong_ if she wasn't.

As he waited for the next round, he briefly touched his lips. He could almost feel her lips again, her weight on his body, the surprised look in her eyes after she opened them and got off of him.


End file.
